A Brief History Of Boy Without God Part I: Elementary School

when i was a boy
i'd ride out the night
in columns on camelback
through the red and orange desert sunset
ear to the radio
voices from somewhere warm and oh so quiet
I was fighting off the day
it always caught me anyway
and in its prison of red arms i cried and wished the sun away

when i was a boy i was a loaded gun
I loathed every touch I fought everyone
but now that the safety's on
am i living just to stay alive
sitting in empty rooms
singing songs to sit in empty rooms to
I am longing for a time
when I was moved enough to cry
when every traitor held my beating heart up high to winter skies and let it fall, a sacrifice
every child was a knife

What Happened When You Left

trust is gone and with it goes
the litany of lovers woes
i will always be alone
till the winter goes till the birds come home

till the winter goes till the birds come home
by the bedside lamp mistakes will grow
the petals curl when they're feeling low
drinks pour themselves and who am I to say no

drinks pour themselves and who am I to say no
the prettiest girl I've ever known
4 months 12 days 3 hours ago
she stepped out of my kitchen door

she stepped out of my kitchen door
the apple tree with its crop of cores.
The demon fear lets out a roar:
I will always be alone

(wear rings in your floor at 2 AM
wish you could call know that you can't
cold out cold in silent as sin the birds long gone)

A Brief History Of Boy Without God Part II: High School

when I was a young man, I was rust
from the walled city the crows were laughing at us landlocked idiots
I walked alone through the headphone dusk
and when they spoke to me I jumped for joy or, was it nervousness

kids I called friend lied through their teeth
or through the holes where their teeth shoulda been, the young ain't innocent
they went ricocheting off the night
but i was lying when I said that I was gonna be alright

the ones who win are the guns who fire
never trust a man who says he isn't a liar
clocks watch but watches get checked for time
things i believe but I can't become

when I heard them say he never acts dumb
is when I knew I was still a long way, a cold pre-dawn day,
when I threw the bottle I was mad
missing kissing at sunrises I'd never even burned a house down

on a new years eve I met the prettiest problems
like a puppy dog I swished my tail and followed the soap opera
and I fell harder than 16 tons
when I confessed she said it would be wonderful if you'd love some other girl

I sat through the credits til the lights came up
my favorite song said something is wrong with me, singing along with me
I held a couple beating hearts
but I couldn't believe in a god whose face was right there in front of me

so i got higher than 24 blackbirds
in times of thunderstorms the wildest hearts seek the calmest energy
so I let you come to me
and then I couldn't ever be accused of being a human being

Banjo Summer

with my head bent I pushed ahead through the loneliest summer
the wind was high the sun was blinding, but i
never loved another
the way I never got to love you
never you

ohhh a thousand daggers runnin through my heart

Pain is Overrated

I'm so sick of metaphors
carefully fashioned to describe all of our pain
why don't we ever talk of open doors?
of opportunities
of what we all can gain?

i can be your me and you can be my you
you can be my you and I can be your me

A Brief History Of Boy Without God Part III: (I'm not going to) Grad School

when my masterpiece is finished everything will be revealed
i will hang above a card that says my name, the year and reads:
I Am What I Believe

I will worship the impermanence of every precious thing
you will leave and i'll be sad but i'll believe it when I sing:
To End Is To Begin

If you wrote a poem of isolation it would have to be
about me
From the far end of the haze one sentence strayed its way free:
My Greatest Fear In Life Is That I Should Never Die

Ours is not to understand but just to burst through padlocked doors
to bore a hole in the universe to demonstrate our force
We Don't Need You

Mouth

i need you like i need a
hole in the head
which is to say
if I didn't have you

I couldn't eat
I couldn't breathe
I couldn't talk
and I damn sure couldn't sing

don't make me starve
don't make me suffocate
don't make me mute
don't make me silent

oh just come here
and let me love you
let's make the sky
green with jealousy

we will scream
we will multiply
we will glow
and when we're through

the phone will ring
but we won't hear a thing
and in bars of sun
we'll awake

to angry voicemails
from the neighbors
who want to know
who were we murdering

at 3 a.m.
well it was our old selves
and this morning
we are new
we are new

(i need you like i need a hole in my head)

and we are big
yeah we are powerful
our hearts have grown
to 10 times their size

yeah come here
and let me love you
let's make the sea
green with jealousy

we will explode
we will time travel
we will combust
and when we're through

the phone will ring
but we won't hear a thing
and in bars of sun
we'll awake

to an eviction notice
from the universe
because we can't
fit in here anymore

and we will die
but we'll die happy
and here is something
no one knows

that last moment
lasts forever
and that's where god lives
and where we'll live too

and he'll forever be making
angry phone calls
at 3 A.M.
to me and you
oh to me and you